The power of a positive attitude

We start with the obvious merits of simple positive thinking. Those who consistently apply positive words will practice positive thinking, a habit crucial to mental health. "A positive outlook is known to improve recovery from surgery and the immune system's ability to fight off disease as well as aid in cancer recovery, to reduce the fight-or-flight response and hence stress disease [and can] ... restore our tranquillity and turn our unhappy, anxiety-producing hormones into happy ones" (Archibald Hart, M.D., The Anxiety Cure, 1999, p. 217). The characteristics of an optimistic mind-set include the ability to focus on the positive when the negative seems overwhelming. The key lies in turning a problem into a challenge and then working to meet it.

If we want good mental health, we should discipline our minds to avoid a degrading mental diet. The principle of "garbage in, garbage out" certainly applies with respect to our minds. The net effect of what occupies our minds—and often comes out of our mouths—will be as pure or as corrupt as whatever we let enter our minds. We jeopardize our mental health when we subject our thinking to mental trash. To remain psychologically stable, we must discipline our minds to avoid thinking in the gutter. Peace of mind and a clear conscience are essential characteristics of sound mental health.

Reining in feelings and emotions

We choose our emotions, and we live with the consequences. The types of emotions that prevail in our minds are a major determining factor in whether we succeed at life itself. "Emotions are a mixed blessing. They are responsible for many of man's finest and greatest achievements. They are also responsible for some of the greatest tragedies in our world"(Norman Wright, The Christian Use of Emotional Power, 1974, p. 13). If we choose healthy emotions, we can be happy and achieve success in life.

Take time out

We live in such a fast-paced world that it is essential to schedule breaks from our routine. "Taking time to rest is not an option in today's world; it is a necessity. Yet more people struggle here than in almost any other area of their lives. It is perilous not to take time to rest"

For mental rejuvenation and avoiding stress overload, we need daily rest. Especially as we get older, an afternoon nap can rejuvenate us. We also need regular vacations if our financial circumstances and work situations permit. Even if one does nothing but stay at home on holidays, breaks from our routines can be beneficial.

Too much change

About 40 years ago a French doctor who taught at Harvard observed: "If psychiatric illnesses are truly increasing in the Western world, the reason is not to be found in the complex and competitive character of our society but rather in the accelerated rate at which old habits and conventions disappear. Even the marginal man can generally achieve some form of equilibrium with his environment if the social order is stable, but he is likely to break down when the extent and rate of change exceed his adaptive potentialities. For this reason mental diseases are likely to become more apparent in areas undergoing rapid cultural transitions" (Rene Dubos, Mirage of Health, 1959, pp. 208-209).

We live in a culture that is constantly feeding us stress-producing messages ... With today's round-the-clock access to news we now can receive a twenty-four-hour-a-day parade of mostly negative information ... The news, in fact, has become so stressful that some health experts ... recommend periodic 'news fasts' to improve psychological health" (Wilcox, Wilcox and Suzuki, pp. 237-238).

Confront your fears

Everyone is afraid of something. Some fears are healthy, but some are not. When a fear becomes persistent and irrational, it is a phobia. "Specific phobias strike more than one in ten people" (Hart, p. 180). Some major fears are agoraphobia, fear of being in public places, and claustrophobia, fear of confinement or crowded places.

When one has a phobia, he will often anticipate encountering the circumstance that is apt to trigger it, which can set up persistent anxiety. How can we overcome phobias? "They must be confronted, but not in a way that reinforces them. It is possible to overcome almost every phobia. It just takes time and effort. Real-life exposure to whatever situation you might fear is the most effective way to overcome that fear" (Hart, p. 179).

It is often beneficial to seek professional counsel when confronting a phobia that seriously impacts your life, but developing a relationship with God is even more important. In doing so, you can grow in His love, and "love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18).

Confront anxiety with confidence

Although most people are not phobic, almost everyone has to struggle against worry, which is a form of fear. Our age is the era of anxiety. Everyone experiences some anxiety, and it can be a useful emotion when it triggers us to act to avoid danger. But, if it impacts our life seriously, we must take action to overcome it. "Every anxiety sufferer must learn new ways of thinking and develop methods for changing their former thinking patterns" (Hart, p. 111).

How do we do this? One anxiety-reducing technique is to cleanse your mind at day's end. Evening is "a good time to do a 'mental wash' when you review anxieties that are cluttering your thinking and dump those that are not important" (Hart, p. 204).

The healing power of humor

As simple as it sounds, the ability to laugh is an aid to mental health. Humor triggers literal physiological and mental changes in your body. Laughter "touches us at a deep emotional and physical level... By its very nature it changes our perception and invites us to look at things in a different light. It shows us that life can be silly, even crazy at times, but it still can be enjoyable" (Wilcox, Wilcox and Suzuki, pp. 272-273). One doctor notes that "humor, smiles, and laughter are the very best stress-busters" (Herbert Benson, M.D., Timeless Healing, 1996, p. 277).

Avoid dangerous addictions

People suffering from mental problems—including undue stress—often rely on ingestible substances to help them get through the day. But this kind of crutch can easily lead to a collapse and fall. "Many people who suffer from emotional disorders or mental illness turn to drugs and alcohol to self-medicate, as a way of tolerating feelings that are intolerable. Yet, ironically, this method of self-treating seldom works in the long run and frequently makes matters worse" (Johns Hopkins Family Health Book, 1999, p. 1225).

Besides addictions to mood-altering substances, sometimes people become addicted to things that are normally proper and healthy. Some, for example, develop addictions to food, sex or work... Though not a problem in moderation, losing control in any of these areas will often lead to greater problems.

A social support system

The need for emotionally supporting family and friends is scientifically established. "What happens if we have no close relationships? The message that emerges loud and clear from scientific evidence accumulated since the mid 1970's is that having a reasonable quantity and quality of social relationships is essential for mental and physical wellbeing" (Paul Martin, M.D., The Healing Mind, 1997, p. 157).

Human interaction spawns growth and is essential mentally and physically. Perhaps the chief benefit of uplifting social contact is that it provides us the opportunity to learn how to love and serve. This is vital to mental health. "I have never met a person who is genuinely focused on helping others who is unhappy or dissatisfied with life ... I can assure you that they are happy because they are directing their attention away from themselves" (Hart, p. 223)

No Wrong Time to Say the Right Thing

A cartoon depicts a woman shaking hands with her clergyman as she leaves the church. The caption says, "Thank you for the sermon. It was like water to a drowning man." Some compliments are better left unsaid....

Isn't it true that words carry with them immense power? Power to build up and power to tear down. Such was the case with the words of Mandy (not her real name), a woman who learned that there is no wrong time to say the right thing.

It was a cold, rainy day in March. Across the room in the retail store where Mandy worked, sat Laura, a woman about Mandy's age. Other workers did not like Laura; they thought of her as snobbish and aloof. And Mandy agreed.

But sweeping the bias from her eyes, she made up her mind to say something kind to Laura. Finally, she managed, "Do you know, Laura, that I've worked in this room with you for several years. And whenever I glance up I see your head silhouetted against the window there behind you. I think you have the prettiest profile and hair that I have ever seen on anybody." Her words were not insincere flattery. She meant it.

Laura looked up and began to cry. "That's the first kind word anybody has ever said to me in all the time I've worked here," she said.

Mandy discovered that Laura's aloofness was not due to snobbishness, but shyness. The two became friends. Other workers soon began to include Laura in their activities, and she blossomed like a flower that, for the first time, found sunlight. The right words, spoken in kindness, made all the difference.

Words carry the potential to tear down or to build up. But when they are both sincere and kind, they are instruments that wield great power. Never underestimate the potential and power of your words. 

There is no wrong time to say the right thing. And there is no better time than now.

Letting the Past Be Past

Is it difficult for you to forgive? To let the past be past? It is for me. Nearly impossible sometimes. I’m a little like the elderly Virginian woman who lived to see her beloved Richmond occupied by Union troops after the American Civil War. The matron was walking down a Richmond street when she tripped over a step and fell. A Union soldier courteously helped her up.

“How very kind of you, young man,” she said acidly. “If there is a cool spot in hell, I hope you get it.” (Ouch.)

Maybe it was still a bit early for her to let go of those deep-seated resentments. But angry and bitter lives are never the goal.

A beautiful legend tells of an African tribe that ritualizes forgiveness. When a tribe member acts irresponsibly or unjustly, the offender is taken to the center of the village. All work ceases and every man, woman and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused. Then the tribe bombards the rejected person with affirmations! One at a time, friends and family enumerate all the good the individual has done. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with some detail and accuracy is recounted. All their positive attributes, strengths and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. Finally, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the outcast is welcomed back into the tribe.

What a beautiful ritual of restoration. They replace hurt with happiness; pain with peace. Once again they are family. The rejected one is restored and the village is made whole.

Paul Boese has said, “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” As brothers and sisters in our global village, is letting go of those resentments really an option?

BUILDING A BOAT

Abraham Lincoln once said, "I will prepare, and some day my chance will come." When his chance came, he was ready.

During his seminary years, one priest-in-training owned a favorite T-shirt. Across the front was emblazoned: "Expectant Father." His chance came and he, too, was ready.

When your chance comes, will you be ready?

I know that sports stories don't speak to everyone, but if you'll indulge me, I think Wayne Gretzky has something powerful to teach us about preparation. Former ice hockey superstar Gretzky knew the value of being ready. He broke almost every record imaginable and is generally thought to be the greatest hockey player of all time.

"The Great One," as he is often called, is not particularly big - he stands at 5 feet 11 inches tall and weighed about 170 pounds during his career. He never skated particularly fast, his shot was not high-powered and he often placed dead last on regular strength tests administered to his team. So what made him so great?

Gretzky attributes his stardom to practice and preparation. He practiced stick handling in the off-season with a tennis ball, as the ball was harder to control than a puck. In practice he innovated. He practiced bouncing the puck off the sideboards to his teammates until that technique became a regular part of his play. Then he worked on bouncing the puck off the net.

He became so accomplished at these maneuvers that he sometimes said, "People say there's only six men on the ice, but really, if you use the angle of deflection of the board, there's seven. If you count the net, that's eight. From the opening face-off, I always figure we have 'em eight-on-six."

The Great One was so great because, when his chance came to make an impact, he was ready. And because he was ready, chances came again and again.

I've learned this: it doesn't matter what awaits me just across the sea if I haven't built a boat.

Many years ago a friend and I were talking about a speaking engagement I had accepted in Los Angeles. "I'd love to go places and speak or lead seminars," she said.

I asked her, "What would you speak about? What do you want to teach?"

"I don't know. I've always wanted to write a book and lead seminars," she said, "but I've never gotten around to it."

I've heard her speak - she has a great ability to relate to people. She has a charismatic personality. She is intelligent and articulate. I have no doubt she could excel in such a field.

We talked about her need to develop expertise in an area about which she is passionate. We talked about how she might look for opportunities to lead local seminars and teach courses. And we talked about steps she might take toward writing her book, something she had wanted to do for years.

But after a number of years, she has still done none of those things. If her chance comes, she will not be ready. And more likely, since she is not ready, her chance will probably never come.

I often hear people say, "If only I had a chance." Maybe it's a chance at a new position, a bigger challenge or to do something different. Perhaps they are waiting for a chance to prove themselves or a chance to really make a difference.

But I wonder -- if I were offered that new challenge today, would I be ready to meet it? Am I prepared to take full advantage?

It's not enough for me to dream about exotic, new places. I need to build a boat.

WARM WORMS

You may have heard the old story about the world's most dedicated fisherman. He had out-fished his companion all morning long. They used the same live bait, the same equipment and fished together in the same mountain stream. But he had almost caught his limit of fish while his friend had yet to catch even one.

"What's your secret?" asked the friend. "I haven't even gotten a bite!"

The angler mumbled an unintelligible answer, causing his companion to ask again.

The successful fisherman emptied the contents of his mouth into a cupped hand and replied: "I said, 'You have to keep your worms warm.'"

Talk about dedication. But did you know there are at least three types of fresh water fishermen (or fisherwomen, if that fits better)?

First, there are those who fish for sport. They like to "catch and release," quickly throwing their catch back into the water. For these anglers, it's all about recreation.

Then there are those who fish because they like the taste of fish. They are selective. They only keep the fish they will someday eat.

Finally, there are those who fish because they are hungry. If they don't catch, they don't eat. It is important for this group to succeed, and they are fully dedicated to what they do.

Whether or not we fish or even eat fish, there is a lesson to be learned here. We are most likely to succeed when we approach a task fully dedicated. Especially if the task before us is difficult or there seems little likelihood of success. Whether we want to patch a relationship, build a new business, write that first novel, kick a drug habit, or go back to school, we should see how willing we are to do what it takes - even if it means keeping the worms warm.

There are two important questions I ask myself to see just how dedicated I am. Question number one: "How much do I want this?" When some people fish, if they don't catch, they don't eat. Some things are too important for me to risk failure. So how much do I want to succeed at this relationship, this career or this dream?

The other question I ask is similar: "How hard am I willing to work?" If 'success' only comes before 'work' in the dictionary, I may have to work harder than I've ever worked before. But if I want it enough, the hard work will be worth it.

"Always bear in mind," said Abraham Lincoln, "that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing." And that is where it always begins: with a whole-hearted resolution to succeed - in a task, in a calling, in a life.

How much do I want this? And, how hard am I willing to work? Start there, and great things can happen.

NEEDING A NUDGE

A wiser person than I once said that humans have four basic needs. One is the need to be nurtured. Next is the need to be needed. Third, the need to be noticed. And finally, the need to be nudged.

Although I never had much luck nudging my own children, I've often thought of a story about a small boy who could not be nudged to quit banging a drum. Various attempts were made to do something about quieting the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. A third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"

No more problem.

I agree that we sometimes need to be nudged. At times, we may need to be nudged into healthier behaviors. Or maybe nudged out of destructive relationships or patterns. Or simply nudged to think a little bigger; to do or be a something more challenging and less mediocre.

No doubt, that is why the motivational industry is so successful. (And no, it is probably not true that if you listen to your motivational tapes backwards you will become a failure. I think a couple of you may have been worried about that.)

It seems to me that good leaders know about this basic human need to be prodded, challenged and encouraged. They also know that the best way to nudge someone is often simply to invite them along a path that is more appealing than the one they've chosen. The best leaders teach us to dream and tempt us to do more than we ever thought possible. They challenge us to be a part of something great.

Writer Antoine de Saint-Exupery said, "If you want to build a ship, don't drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work, and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea." Sometimes all we need is a nudge to desire something magnificent.

Is this the nudge you need?

THE WAY TO BE HAPPY

Even in religious education one doesn't always get the answer they expect. In order to teach compassion, one teacher began her class with the question: "What would you do if you were walking along a road and saw a person who was terribly beaten and bruised and covered with blood?"

In a moment of honesty, a little girl replied, "I'd probably throw up."

There are many professions I should leave alone. I have neither the constitution nor the aptitude for them. And one of those occupations is nursing. Like the little girl, I might seriously embarrass myself. But I deeply admire those compassionate women and men who labor in the nursing profession.

Some years ago, a six-year-old boy from Corvallis, Oregon (United States) suffered burns over 85% of his body. His condition was so severe that several doctors gave up and one hospital would not admit him because they thought he would die anyway.

His life was saved, however, by eight courageous and committed people - his parents, three nurses and three doctors. The nurses emerged as the true heroines in this real-life drama.

After other nurses had quit, these women took eight-hour shifts with the boy, seeing him through skin grafts, operations, crucial periods in which death almost gained victory, and dull, dragging days of rehabilitation. The boy grew to dislike them, as he innocently thought they caused his intense pain.

His room was like a dungeon. It measured 12 feet by 12 feet. The door was tightly shut, shades were drawn, heat blazed from a gooseneck lamp shining as a substitute for blankets. The humidity was so high the walls dripped with moisture, and dank air smelled of burned flesh and chlorine-soaked dressings.

The nurses stayed with him, dressed in caps, gowns, masks and gloves as if they were assisting an operation. Within an hour they would be soaked with perspiration. For 14 desperately long months these dedicated three gave their all to the ailing boy. Then, one day, he finally climbed from his bed and walked.

It was a great day! The nurses were rewarded for their tireless effort. The lives of all three were so deepened and their sense of satisfaction so great after fighting off the temptation to quit for 14 months, that each said they'd put forth the effort again.

What caused them to feel so satisfied? I think it was more than simply the fact that the boy lived. Together they attempted something nearly impossible, but also truly worthwhile. They poured their lives out for the sake of someone else.

It is like something American educator Booker T. Washington once said: "Those who are happiest are those who do the most for others." What these nurses did was significant. They worked hard and they worked selflessly. And in doing so, they found contentment.

Do you want to be happier?

Don't pray for blessings; pray for important work to do.

Don't pray for prestige; pray for a place to serve.

Don't pray for more things to use; pray to become more useful.

Don't pray for greater pleasure; pray for greater purpose.

Don't pray for an easier path; pray for joy on the journey, wherever it leads.

If you do, I believe your prayers will be answered.

SERIOUS HUMOR

I've known several morticians over the years. Without exception, they've each had a rich sense of humor. The ability to laugh is probably necessary in some professions, and those who work with corpses likely head the list. Otherwise, how could they stand the grief and pain felt by every family that walks through the door?

I once heard of mortician who liked to sign all his correspondence: "Eventually yours." That gets right to the point.

Humor is something I can get serious about. It is nothing less than an extravagant gift - to be frequently used and shared. It was the late evangelist Billy Graham who said that "a keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected and outlast the unbearable." That's serious stuff.

In the summertime, I like to ride my 150cc scooter instead of driving the car. I enjoy the breeze in my face and sometimes find myself smiling for the pure joy of it as I zip along.

But my scooter has a major flaw. It was not made for uneven surfaces. Its single, mushy shock absorber is almost useless as the bike grinds and scrapes at every unexpected bump and hole in the road.

A life without humor is no better at getting through life's bumps and jolts than my scooter. It groans and complains at any unanticipated obstacle thrown in the path. And there is plenty of debris along the way. There will be obstacles in life's road at every turn.

The problem is not that there are problems. There will always be rocks in the way. And where there are no rocks, watch out for a pothole. No one ever promised a smooth ride. As Katharine Hepburn said, "Life is hard. After all, it kills you." Problems are not the problem. It's that when we think the way should always be smooth, every stone we hit feels like a personal assault.

We need resources to absorb life's shocks. And a good sense of humor is one tool we can't live without. The ability to lighten up is invaluable when we encounter teeth-rattling jolts. It helps us "overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected, and outlast the unbearable." And it's just plain fun to carry along on the ride.

Maybe musician Corky Siegel got it right when he said, "Life is too important to take seriously."

GIVING VALIDATION

In a northwestern US city, a woman from out of town parked her car in an attended lot and walked across the street to shop. Hoping to get a discount on the cost of parking, and not familiar with local idioms, she asked, "Do you give validation?"

"Certainly," replied the store's manager. "You are an excellent person and I love your hair."

That might have been worth the cost of parking. I mean, who wouldn't pay a couple of dollars for the kind of validation that she got?

Mark Twain said, "I can live two months off a good compliment." But then he also said, "If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one." I suppose sometimes that is the only way we can get one.

I'm a strong believer in the power of affirming other people. One time I facetiously told an audience that I have never in my life received a standing ovation. They gave me one -- and I'm here to tell you it isn't nearly so satisfying when you have to ask for it. Nevertheless, I never underestimate the importance of positive encouragement in a life.

Author Alan Loy McGinnis cites an interesting study about the power of positive encouragement (http://tinyurl.com/6xg9mba). He tells of a second-grade teacher who complained that her children were spending too much time standing up and roaming around the room rather than working.

Two psychologists spent several days at the back of the room with stopwatches observing the behavior of the children and the teacher. Every ten seconds they noted how many children were out of their seats. They counted 360 unseated children throughout each 20-minute period. They also noted that the teacher said "Sit down!" seven times during the same period.

The psychologists tried an experiment. The asked the teacher to tell the children to sit down more often. Then they sat back to see what would happen. This time they noted that she commanded her students to sit down 27.5 times in an average 20-minute period, and now 540 were noted to be out of their seats during the same average period. Her increased scolding actually made the problem worse. (Interestingly, when she later backed off to her normal number of reprimands, the roaming also declined to the exact same number recorded previously in just two days.)

Then the experimenters tried a different tack. They asked the teacher to refrain from commanding the children to sit down altogether, and to instead quietly compliment those children who were seated and working. The result? Children's roaming decreased by 33%. They exhibited their best behavior when they were complimented more and reprimanded less.

There is immense power in affirming others. Leaders who get results know this. People who draw others to themselves and who motivate others to great action are almost always those who encourage more than criticize; who compliment more and reprimand less.

Perhaps the woman's question is the correct one after all. "Do you give validation?" I hope I can always answer YES.

CHASING A DREAM

In his book Asimov Laughs Again, author Isaac Asimov relates an incident when he was interviewed by television journalist Barbara Walters.

She asked him how many books he had written and then asked, “Don’t you ever want to do anything but write?”

He said, “No.”

She pressed on. “Don’t you want to go hunting? Fishing? Dancing? Hiking?”

This time he answered, “No! No! No! And no!”

She continued, “But what would you do if the doctor gave you only six months to live?”

He said, “Type faster.”

Isaac Asimov spent his life doing what he loved. I am aware that there are those people who find no satisfaction or joy from making a living. They don't like what they do and they live for weekends and holidays. Some of them feel trapped and believe they can't make a meaningful change because they don't have the skills, education, money or favorable circumstances. So they decide to dig in and keep on slogging forward.

I don't want to say they are wrong, for there are many reasons we each choose our individual paths. But I'm drawn to a truth expressed so clearly by Norman Cousins. “The tragedy of life is not death,” says Cousins, “but what we let die inside of us while we live.” I agree. Death is not a tragedy in itself. All of us will die. It is as natural as birth. The tragedy is what we let die inside us while we live. Like unrealized dreams. Like a passion to be or do something that is calling to us from someplace deep. The real tragedy of life is settling for less while something dies inside us.

Leaving the safety of what is known and venturing into the unknown can be one of the scariest – and best – decisions a person can make. "There is no security in following the call to adventure,” writer Joseph Campbell says. I know what he is talking about. I've followed that call more than once. And it can be frightening. But you know what's worse? Regret. Looking back and wishing that we had risked the adventure. Or just letting the desire dry up and finally die.

Leaving what feels secure behind and following the beckoning of our hearts doesn't always end as we expect or hope. We may even fail. But here's the payoff: it can also be amazing and wonderful and immensely satisfying.

In the end, we really only have one question when it comes to chasing a significant dream. It is whether we will say yes.

MY FAVORITE COMPUTER KEY

Do you know what my favorite key is on my computer? It's the DELETE key. All kinds of problems go away when I press DELETE. I use it all the time. Junk e-mail? DELETE. Misspellings? DELETE. Unwieldy sentences and confusing paragraphs? DELETE. DELETE. I sometimes wish my life had a DELETE key. One click on the key and I wipe out a mistake. Maybe another click and I could start the day all over again.

And being one who blunders in grand fashion, I have empathy for others who wish they could go back and start over. Like the couple that phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. As the phone was answered they belted out the song "Happy Birthday." But when they finished their off-key rendition, they were informed that they had dialed the wrong number. After listening to their embarrassed apologies, the recipient said, "Don't let it bother you. You folks need all the practice you can get."

According to Tara Kelly Walworth (Reader's Digest), she and her new husband had an afternoon they may have wanted to take back. They arrived exhausted at their honeymoon destination in Daytona Beach, Florida (USA) and decided to refresh themselves in the motel pool. She figured she'd lost a few pounds leading up to the wedding when she discovered her skimpy, new bikini fit too loosely. Every time she dived into the pool she seemed to lose either the top or bottom. But since they had the pool to themselves, they just laughed and retrieved the pieces.

They later dressed for dinner and decided to eat in the motel restaurant. Waiting for a table in the lounge, they noticed a huge, empty, glistening fish tank above the bar. "Why is such a beautiful fish tank empty?" her husband asked the bartender.

The man grinned broadly and said, "That's not a fish tank. It's the swimming pool."

I think it was New York City Mayor Fiorello Laguardia who once said, “I rarely make a mistake. But when I do, it's a beaut!”

Have you ever wanted to take back an embarrassing moment? Or more importantly, how often have you regretted a hasty decision that ended with disastrous consequences? Or an unfair and angry outburst that caused unnecessary hurt? Some of my worst mistakes were not the embarrassing moments (later on they make the best stories), but pain I caused other people and poor decisions that did damage I could never repair.

The problem is, some mistakes really can't be corrected. Some hurts just can't be undone. As they say, it's like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. Sometimes the best we can do is to make amends. And no DELETE key can erase the past so we can do it over – do it better.

The past is what it is – past. And that, too, is good to remember. It is past. Over. Finished. There is no taking it back, yet no purpose is served in reliving and rehashing old memories. It is gone. My best self says to me, “Let it be a teacher.” So I try to learn from its harsh lessons as well as its joys. Then (and this is important), my best self adds, “Now just leave it. Leave it where it belongs – in the past.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson put it this way: “Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day.”

Yes, tomorrow is a new day. Full of hope and promise and new beginnings. And that is something I might forget if life had a DELETE key.

ALL USED UP

A well-known surgeon was attending a dinner party and watched the host adroitly carve and slice the large turkey for his guests.

When he finished slicing, the host asked, “How did I do, Doc? I think I’d make a pretty good surgeon, don’t you?”

“Perhaps,” said the physician. “But anyone can take them apart. Now let’s see you put it back together again.”

Like surgery, some tasks require special talent, skill or training. There are those who have what it takes to work in an operating room. Others have the kind of aptitude needed to teach a class or repair an automobile, and still others can cook a delicious meal, play a musical instrument well enough that folks want to listen or solve difficult mathematical problems. Some people have a natural ability to relate to others, some people are imaginative problem-solvers, some people can organize almost anything and others possess the gift of empathy. I have yet to meet anyone who does not exhibit a unique talent or ability.

But Spanish cellist Pablo Casals said it well: “Don’t be vain because you happen to have talent. You are not responsible for that; it was not of your doing. What you do with your talent is what matters.”

And what's the best thing to do with talent and ability? Use it. Use it generously – even extravagantly. And use it for good.

Erma Bombeck was known for her humorous journalism. But she frequently seasoned her writing with pinches of wisdom. At the end of a newspaper column on March 10, 1987, Bombeck wrote these words:

“I always had a dream that when I am asked to give an accounting of my life to a higher court, it will go like this: ‘So, empty your pockets. What have you got left of your life? Any dreams that were unfulfilled? Any unused talent that we gave you when you were born that you still have left? Any unsaid compliments or bits of love that you haven’t spread around?

“And I will answer, ‘I’ve nothing to return. I spent everything you gave me. I’m as naked as the day I was born.’”

She would agree that what we do with what we're given is what matters.

My question is this: what would you find if you emptied your pockets today? Any unused talent? Is there anything inside that should be spent, shared or given away? When it comes to your time and resources are you living a life of extravagant generosity?

I'm going to mentally empty my pockets tonight at bedtime and see if I've been holding back. I think that's important. I want to make sure there is nothing left at the end of the day that could have been used. And then tomorrow I'll see what I can use up.

I can hardly think of a more worthwhile and joyous way to live.

WHO SETS YOUR STANDARDS?

Who is setting your standards for you?

A true story has it that one older man decided to jog around the local high school football field. As he huffed and puffed along, the team was in practice.

The players soon started running sprints up and down the field. The man told himself, "I'll just keep running until they quit." So he ran. And they ran. And he ran some more. And they kept running. And he kept running until he could finally run no more. He stopped in exhaustion. One of the players, equally exhausted, approached him and said, "Boy, I'm glad you finally stopped, Mister. Coach told us we had to keep running wind sprints as long as the old guy was jogging!"

He was watching them. They were watching him. He was letting them set his standard. They allowed him to set theirs.

My question is this: are you keeping pace with somebody else? Are you allowing other people to set your standards for you?

What about your standards, or principles, for moral behavior? Humorist Mark Twain said, “I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.” Do you decide for yourself what is right and wrong or do you find yourself going along with others?

And how about attitudinal standards? When confronted with negativity and cynicism, how do you respond? Do you choose your attitudes, or do you just react to circumstances?

What about your relationships? What do you expect to get out of relationships? Who sets the standard for how fulfilling, or even how important, a relationship will be to you?

In short, do you keep pace with those around you, or do you decide yourself just how you will live your life? The truth is...only you are qualified to set your standards. Only you can determine how you should live and what you will finally expect from yourself.

Set your own standards. It beats jogging until your legs fall off.

TOUCHING MOMENTS

I read that an insurance company survey revealed that spouses who habitually kiss their mates in the morning are projected to live longer than those who don’t. It also indicated that these people may have fewer auto accidents and lose less time at work due to illness. I won’t begin to interpret what all this means, except that it seems that people in intimate relationships seem to be happier and healthier.

But what about that “touching moment” – that kiss or a tender hug? If intimacy is vital, is the simple act of touching another person also important?

I once was asked to give some emotional support to a prisoner who was awaiting trial. I found him in the county jail and he and I visited for a while in a prison conference room. He didn't know me and seemed afraid to let down his defenses. So we talked about nothing more important than how long he may be incarcerated and whether or not he was guilty of the crimes with which he was charged. He shared nothing of his fears at this dark time in his life. I felt as if we had not “connected” in any meaningful way and, after an appropriate length of time, I stood to leave.

On impulse, before I turned away from him I reached for his hands. He grasped mine tightly and dropped his head. Neither of us spoke – we just stood facing each other clasping hands. After a moment, he began to cry. As he sobbed, he continued to hold tightly to my hands. Somehow the connection, the human touch, melted a dam of ice and allowed his emotions to gush forth.

When his sobbing subsided, he wanted to talk. Only this time he spoke of his fear and loneliness and he told me of his concern for his family while he was imprisoned. All the while, he held onto my hands like a drowning man clinging to a life saver. I believe that because of the touch, an act of basic human contact, he felt safe enough to share deeply.

There is power in a caring touch. I knew a woman who went to a massage therapist once a week, even when she felt fine, just because she needed that dose of physical contact. The lack of touch can be one of our greatest impediments to emotional intimacy and happiness.

When film star Marilyn Monroe was asked if she ever felt loved by any of the foster families with whom she lived, she replied, “Once, when I was about seven or eight. The woman I was living with was putting on makeup, and I was watching her. She was in a happy mood, so she reached over and patted my cheeks with her rouge puff... For that moment, I felt loved by her.”

Maybe you are in need of more closeness. And perhaps you know of those who are hungry for some assurance that they are loved by someone and not all alone in this world. Your touch may accomplish what your words can't. And those touching moments can change a life.

WHEN LUCK ISN'T LUCK

A little boy wanted a taste of molasses from the large barrel by the door of an old-fashioned country store. He slid a box beside the barrel, stepped up on it and leaned over the rim as far as possible, stretching out his finger toward the sweet goo below. He stretched and strained and toppled headfirst into the barrel.

Dripping with molasses, he stood up, lifted his eyes heavenward and was heard to utter, “Lord, help me to make the most of this fantastic opportunity!”

Most of us will never fall into a barrel of opportunity. We won't be awarded a great sum of money (though I am never sure that is in our best interest), we won't be offered a “dream job,” we won't have all of our needs suddenly provided for. We can spend years waiting for opportunity to knock only to find that we wasted precious time wishing for something to happen that never was to be.

Yet some people seem to luck into these things, don't they? It's as if they were in the right place at the right time and they just fell into it.

But that is not the way it happens. Those people who seize opportunities others seem to miss, find them for one specific reason: they have trained themselves. People who seem more fortunate than the rest of us are those who have taught themselves to look for possibilities in every circumstance and every obstacle.

I think David Boren, president of the University of Oklahoma, is such a man. Years ago, Boren learned from professional pollsters that he would most likely lose his state gubernatorial race, and lose it big. The professional polling agency he hired reported his strength to be only about two percent of the population.
   
Many people would quit the moment they receive such news. And in truth, that was his first reaction. Could anything good come out of such a bleak situation? But he had trained himself to look for opportunities, even when confronting great obstacles. He stayed in the race and approached his campaign in a different way. He told his listeners, “I had a professional poll taken and it shows I’ve got great potential for increasing my support!”      
   
That may sound a good deal better than it is. But he didn't give up and people began to listen to what he had to say. Boren eventually won the election and served as governor of the US state of Oklahoma.

People who spot opportunities may simply be people who have trained themselves to look for the best possible outcome in every situation and act on it. It takes a different way of thinking.

To everyone else it may just look like you're lucky. But you will know better.